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dreamingofotherthings
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Name: Lauralei
Birthday: 6/2/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Living, making memories, being with friends, writing, beauty, passion, and whispered things.
Expertise: I'm pretty good at being wrong.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/29/2005
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| I've started reading through Genesis. It's been so long since I've made an effort to read my Bible or feel anything towards God other than thankfulness for the good things He has brought my way and indifference as far as He Himself goes. And anything I've started reading my Bible, I felt like I was playing the system when I tried to pick a book to read through. "Hm, I think I'll read about . . . God's blessings. That's nice and encouraging." Nothing about God's judgment or wrath, only happy thoughts. And yet that is not what I should be doing--ignore one aspect of God and embrace another. God is God and He is either to be loved and honored for all of who He is or not at all. There is no picking and choosing with real love and devotion.
It's been a growing season for me. Geoffrey is so patient in talking me through my thoughts and struggles. And he pointed out something that broke my heart at the time. But first I need to back up a bit. There was a time in my life when I was certain that God wanted me to love someone and yet it was unrequited. With the struggles that come naturally with heartbreak, I also began to resent and distrust God. I resented myself as well for somehow fooling myself into believing that this was what God had for my life. And as far as my emotions toward God go, things haven't changed much since that time, though He has lavished me with blessings upon blessings and softly been wooing my hard heart. Part of the reason my heart has remained so hard is because I have been mistaken about my perception of God's will in the past and I did not want it to happen again. And perhaps also it is because I had convinced myself that God did not want me that happy on this earth.
This hardness of heart and distrusting fear was demonstrated in that while Geoffrey and I were dating, I would pray, "Dear God, if this is going to end, let it end soon." There was no flip side to that prayer of "if it doesn't end." Not for a long time. I convinced myself that because I was beginning to love this man, I would not be able to have him--a thought that still flies into rampage in my mind. It is terrifying at times to love a man and distrust God. Even now after being married to him, I found that instead of resting in a wonderful peace, I began to fear that one day as he drove to work he would be in an accident and die and I would be broken for life. Perhaps you see this as overreacting, but please try to understand that I have been living in distrust of God and that life is full of worries and fear.
Last week was an emotional week, as I'm sure Geoffrey can attest. And one night after I'd gotten upset over something small, Geoffrey began to press to see what the root of the problem was. I don't remember much of the conversation other than two statements that torn at me. "Perhaps God did intend for you to love (him)." I had refused to believe that. Why would God intend for me to love someone other than my husband? And while I did not hear a voice, I was convicted that it was because God intended for me to understand the nature of a broken heart so that I might have a glimpse of His heart every single time I sin. "My beloved's yelling 'crucify!' It's as if no one ever cared."--Eli "I need to weep and pray for all the thousand ways that I have failed You just today."--Josh Bales And not long after those words fell heavily on my ears, he said something else that wounded my pride, but encouraged my spirit. In response to the idea that I was convinced that God didn't want me that happy, Geoffrey spoke two words: "Why not?" And I had no response.
It's been two years or more since these things have begun to plague my heart and I'm still working through them. These things I have come to understand so far: God is far wiser than I am, no matter what I think. And looking on things now, I am so incredibly thankful that He did not give me what I thought I wanted. I have learned thankfulness. Despite what is being taught in conservative circles, sometimes God does intend for girls to love and have their hearts broken before they're married. I have learned compassion. God chases after His own with a relentless love that will not be shaken. I am learning love and humility. Proverbs 30 talks about things that the writer finds wonderful and mysterious and to these I must say that for myself in addition to these I find that the love of God is too wonderful and mysterious for me to understand.
Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.--Frederick M. Lehman
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| It's been some time now since I've determined to sit down and write about what it really is like to be engaged. First, I think it's important to tell you what I thought being engaged would be like (feel free to scoff at it). I thought that when I was engaged, I'd be happily planning my wedding, feeling flightily in love the whole time, enjoying every second of planning my day. I thought I would know him pretty decently well--we would at least know all the rough patches we would need to work through. And when I registered for things, I would know exactly what I wanted and he would come along for company and cuteness. I would enjoy each sentimental moment. I thought I would think of him dreamily during the day and talk often when we weren't able to see each other.
I was wrong.
I do enjoy planning the wedding, but it's amazing that unless you want to be bridezilla, there are many compromises you have to make and sometimes that comes with strained relationships. Example: I didn't want a slideshow in my wedding, but my dad did and since he's paying for the wedding we're having one. (By the way, guys, when you pay for your daughter's wedding, do NOT pull the "I'm paying for it" card.) And as it turns out, while it's mostly my day, it's not all my day. This wedding isn't going to be exactly how I would want it to be, but I will say that with the financial and relational restraints, it's pretty darn close. While I do know my fiance well, there are still things I'm learning about him. Last week had a few of those rough moments when things came up that I didn't know were issues. And they weren't the types of things you could necessarily know ahead of time to talk about. And it was difficult to take the opportunity to grow instead of clash.
While registering and picking out stuff together is sentimental and fun, it can be frustrating. I wanted to get a floral comforter, but he refuses to sleep under flowers. I hate geometric shapes, stripes, and pokadots. So, we got a solid colored comforter, but it's amazing how difficult they are to find and how long it took us to come to that compromise. Also, we registered while I was PMSing. That may be too personal something to put online, but I don't think the insanity could be fully expressed otherwise. I would try to explain calmly why I wanted to avoid plastics and tephlons and got annoyed when he kept questioning why I was picking what I was picking. I snapped at him at one point to which he asked if I wanted him there. That was convicting and I realized what an absolute b#@$! I was being. And then the tears came.
I am so very tired of the sentimentality. I'm tired of crying every time I or others realize that "this is probably the last time we're going to ______." In a way I wish I had known last Christmas that it would be my last at home. I think I might have savored it differently. But in a way I'm thankful that God graciously spared me that because the whole day would be bittersweet filled with tears. I'm ready for the change to set into place and the dust to settle because I'm still living in limbo--living with the sentimentality of lasts, not knowing whether I'm under my father's authority or my fiance's (And with that a part of me is a little disappointed that I will never be my own person--I will always be under the authority of some man in my life. And yet, there are good things that come with that authority.), spending an average of 5 hours a week driving to and from the town where he lives, and the dread of moving my stuff out. (I'm seriously due for a good cry when most of it is moved out.)
I should also say that to an extent I wasn't wrong about dreaming about him during the day. I do that. But, unless we've seen each other the day before, it gets so incredibly lonely. Those are the times when all the uncertainty, anxiety, and stress builds. When I'm around him, I know I'm ready to marry him and I'm anxious for it. So much so that when we applied for the license, I was really tempted to pay the extra five dollars to get married then and there. But, when I don't see him, it's like I don't know what to do with myself. I start to panic because my mind begins to turn. "Have I really known him long enough?" "Do I really want to live with this fallen human being?" "Do I really want to get married after all?" But, then when I see that jeep pull into my driveway and that bright smile, I know that answer is yes. Being engaged isn't as good as dating or being married. Dating is better because things are defined and the purpose is in place. Marriage is better for the same reason. Being engaged in and of itself is miserable because it's a limbo--a season of constant change. It's only the hope of the future and his hand in mine that keeps the misery from conquoring and keeps the sweetness fresh.
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| Last night my brother played for me this series of videos on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=3015952EA1A988B0&search_query=demetri+martin+if+i The young man in the video spent most of his time demonstrating how he has spent most of his life figuring out and creating puzzles. Life was a serious of puzzles for him to figure out. And at one point during his talk, I was struck by how he had come to a place where he was searching for why he couldn't improve his life himself with his own charts. He failed life according to his own charts. And it struck me over and over that he couldn't do it because he was doing all this in his own strength. It's surprises me too when I discover that yet again I've been trying to do things in my own strength and fail. Especially when I think that I'm working in God's strength. It is discouraging and humbling to be reminded over and over that any good that comes from me is a work of God alone through me. And yet, what a privaledge it is to be used!
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| I'm unemployed and happy about it. It's not so much that I hated my job, but that I'm getting married and this is one step closer to that. It made no sense to keep a job where I live when I'll be moving an hour away. So, this last week, I bade our patients good-bye and listened as most congratulated me and a few told me not to go through with getting married. I actually had one lady tell me that I should try living with him first to see if it worked out. And this was an older lady. I was surprised. I suppose for some reason I assumed that people, particularly women, who were older than me should be more conservative than I am.
And also, now I have more time to not only do chores I need to do around the house, but I have more time to read and write.
Ok, so I wrote this post not because I have anything wonderful to say, but because it's nearly been a month and I wanted you to know I was still alive.
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